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Tuesday, July 16, 2024

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Local Author Matt Jacobson reflects on a day full of indecision

“Do I cram everything into this sunny Monday, before I tumble into Tuesday?”

The Monday blues stemmed from the Sunday blues which had to be addressed before it all made the Tuesday news. The shape and shadow of days had somewhat become disjointed, and the weekend had passed with the speed of an engine full of determination to bring frustration; within a flash, Monday was here. At least I had the day to myself – no bus, no boss, no rain, no train. So, the Monday mind poked and prodded me to do something…

I realised that I had not done much over the weekend. I had contacted those who I hadn’t contacted for a while; I also read, listened to vinyl and, in the evening, drank wine, lager and ate the contents of the biscuit barrel. It certainly wasn’t a packed weekend, but it still ran at 100mph and right through the brick walls of Saturday and Sunday night.

I spent the initial start to Monday morning removing bottles from the worktop and putting the vinyl back into its rack. As I did so, I listened to the bells that chime in time from the nearby church. I’m sure the bells have tales to tell, as the church sits near the waterfront and can see all that sailed away. Those that arrived and all that flirted with life by risking all; and all that were saved by the bell. I then moved to another room and cracked my little finger on the door. The screams of ‘you f##ker’ still rang around the flat walls for a moment or two as my little finger mocked me with a big hearty raw of laughter.

I was unsure what to do that day – do I cram everything into this sunny Monday before I tumble into Tuesday? Should I aim for a picnic with friends by the nearby lake or a pint in the nearby pub? Or should I sit, contemplate and wait for a list of ideas to arrive in my mind to force a fury of activity in a shabby – slap dash – splish splash type of way. I then decided that if I’m going to do anything, I will go to the pub – it just seemed easier to work out…

Sometimes the carousel of subjects that spin in the mind, spins too fast for me. My thoughts spin with 1000 ideas and my mouth can’t keep up with what I want to talk about. I zip through conversations; anxiety increases as the jaws of those in front of me usually drop to the floor!

But today the carousel didn’t know if it was working or not. It was forced to flop, stop and to try to kickstart itself. It was nice to have the day to myself, but I just had the impression I was going to waste it. The indecision caught up with me with a bolt of uncertainty. The pub idea went by the by, and a walk instead was on the cards.

I started walking and said hello to a neighbour who never says hello anymore. When I first moved in, he did and now he’s decided not to. He puffs on his electric cigarettes and now hides behind the smoke like a Victorian villain – I liked him and first, he was kind and supportive, open and full of advice. At first, I thought not all heroes wear capes or smoke vapes as such, but now – well, enough is too much.

I walked to the nearest bench and sat looking at our hero – the river Mersey; it smirked and laughed at my ‘good morning neighbour’ game show. The Mersey then invited me to relax and watch what it does best. I accepted the invitation and looked out onto the river and listened to some music. Then, after a while, I carried on walking a little further to the next bench. I sat down, and yes, I was still facing the Mersey; the water looked at me and recognised we had met before – about 30 seconds ago! I sat down again and apologised for my indecisive and lackluster face. After a short period, I said thank you for its show of waves and wonder, for giving me time to sit and ponder.

Local Author Matt Jacobson reflects on a day full of indecision
Matthew Jacobson – Photography by Michelle Marshall

I then carried on walking into the city, but I began to be disheartened as I felt the day was passing without a plan of action. I then agreed with myself, which was nice, but I then immediately disagreed with myself again. I criticised myself for being somewhat pathetic and that was it – I was dragged down by the picket line outside the brain box and mind.

I popped into the nearest cafe for a caring cup of cheap and cheerful coffee, which turned out rather cheap and cheerless. I sat down and watched the world go by – the window was my TV set; the people were my cast, and the cast was my day. As time went on, I was unsure if I enjoyed it or not.

I etched notes into my notepad and added my thoughts on paper as, today, thoughts were all I had…

Way-hey it’s Today

Way-hey, it’s today

It’s not two days

It’s one day

For one, to do what?

Reflect on yesterday?

Yesterday I solemnly thought

today, would find a way

to answer all I quietly question

and all I ever say

Will today shine more light

or do I have to wait for tomorrow night?

If I do have to wait until tomorrow’s horseplay

then what is the point of galloping into today?

Should we cherish the now

and live for the day?

Or cancel this real-life play

And throw this script away?

I don’t know, I really don’t know

But I do know, I’ve come a long way

And just in case today

decides to trip and disobey

I’ll whisper and reluctantly say

Way-hey it’s today

Way-hey its

Way-hey

Way…

I left the cafe and headed home, for a rest – well it had been a tough day! To be honest, the caffeine intake then provided a slump with invisible speed bumps to the legs that sapped energy from me. It was a day to do nothing, and I agreed with my conscience not to kick myself for doing nothing – nothing is something to do, it’s still a plan, it’s still an aim.

So tomorrow, I may have the same plan – and I’ll be prepared and ready….to do nothing.

With Love and Peace,

Matt

READ MORE: Local Author, Matt Jacobson reflects on a walk to Liverpool’s Georgian Quarter

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